All things come to a beginning

Sunday, December 17, 2006

The year of yes

Whew. It's been so long since I've written, it almost feels as though I've forgotten how to do it. What a couple of months it's been. Lots of ups, lots of downs, getting settled in again, meeting new people (good people), and getting to know those who have been in my life for quite a while better.

2006 has been pretty phenomenal. Obviously, there was the Canadian winter and spring. Family, friends, the World Cup in Berlin, flying, biking around again, being a few minutes late, parties, the hospital, the Blue Jays, answering and making a gazillion phone calls, NYC, cyborgs, cough drops, The Rocket, cats & dogs, bartending, the museums of Amsterdam, theater, interviews, Hart House, awkward silences, Ravenstraat, late nights and early mornings, a flea market in Paris, my first I-pod, BFF, babysitting, home, moving house, an engaged-not-to-be-married ring, weddings and engagements, flings, scenes, two more wisdom teeth, drifting apart, liters of coffee, the Islands, going to gigs, a reunion, driving lessons, meetings, one more round, and far too little time. I've been pleasantly surprised, and less pleasantly, I've been frustrated and empty, but also moved and giddy and full of energy. I have tried to take my time when it was called for. I've ignored my conscience on too many occasions. I've made some special efforts, and I've cut corners too. I made lots of money, and then spent it like I made way more. I've been fearless and a big baby, outspoken and a pushover, honest and Liar McLiarson. Nice and cold, hardworking and lazy, sincere and plastic depending on what the situation called for or on what I felt capable of at the time. One growing frustration I have is the feeling that I keep waiting for myself. Graduating high school used to be the threshold to adulthood. Then it became getting that degree. How long til you stop postponing though? When will I become that Person, who does laundry on time, who cleans up after herself, who gets her nails done and always looks put together, knows exactly how much money is on her account, who doesn't own a single old raggedy pair of underwear, who doesn't leave the house in the morning with a sink full of dirty dishes, who cooks proper meals for herself, never forgets a birthday, who sits up straight, works out regularly, knows how to drive a car, which days are "take out the trash" days, who's normal with enough of an edge? As long as you're in school, it's still kind of a joke. You can drop the ball and it's fine, hey, you're a student! Students mess up, stumble around, act like idiots, it's just what they do. No real job or family to support or much responsibility of any kind. And yet, I'd feel caught out if someone saw my life from up close. You try so much harder when there's other people involved, whether it's a partner of a child or another kind of guest. But until that person appears, or rather, until I'm brave enough to let them in, it's just me doing my own thing my way and thinking "As soon as I start looking for a job, thàt's when I'll pull myself together". The way things are looking, that's only a few months away. Ha! What do you say to that, 2007? Are you up for it?
Whatever the result, it's bound to be an interesting ride. Here's to being around for it, in whatever shape, size, form or state of mind. All the best.


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